03-10-05 - 8:42 p.m.
the kids are off to california for the weekend; rumble doll too- i have the house to myself, which basically means i man the fort, tending the menagerie before and after work. a good pino g. spurs me along, especially when it comes to feeding the world's meanest and most despicable dog; an old chihuahua named emory who has no problem biting the hand that feeds him. still, the solitude is good; it gives me time to read diaries and shave legs and indulge in long soaks and read and watch movies and perhaps even paint a wall or two.
today was bonus day at walmart; management handed out bonus checks and barbecued steaks for lunch. the steak was better than the bonus, but who am i to complain; after all, i haven't been there a full year to qualify for the entire fortune. tonto sat across from me, nearly begging for attention over his potato salad; i buried my nose in a book and ignored him. his beautiful profile is now a constant reminder of what a shitty judge of character i am, and probably always will be. i mean, what kind of man sits on a forklift, blocking your way, and spouts a line like; "patience makes a woman beautiful"?
so, he asked loudly over his pallet jack this week, why don't you have a boyfriend?
i gave it some thought before i answered. to be honest, there are times when i think i'm a total loser whose taste in men, over a lifetime, has run from the ridiculous to the insane. then there's the codger, who, despite the time and distance apart, still solidly occupies my heart. he is the yardstick by which i measure other men, and most, especially tonto, fail to make the grade. i want to be loved, but on my own terms, and without compromising my soul in order to have it. and the longer i'm alone, (not to be confused with lonely) the more unwilling i am to share the nice life i've worked so hard for. it has taken me a long time to learn to sleep in the center of the bed.
so i just looked at tonto and shrugged. i'm picky, i told him, just like you.
no, he answered, i'm broken.
broken?
yeah, he said, carol in softlines says that because i failed at marriage and i've been single too long, i'm broken.
i quoted a line from 'human touch'- hell, a little touchup and a little paint- but it was lost on him. i think in some small way, he delights in being broken. it's a new spin on that pitiful committment-shy male thing.
so, other than a giggling rumble doll and a horse whose toes need trimming, this was life in my little pocket of ignorance. i have the house to myself and a stack of jeff bridges movies. remember his magnificent abs in 'against all odds'? whew.