07-04-05 - 8:36 p.m.
holidays always make me think of him, of what it would be like to be paired off, coupled, entangled. he used to say that i chose to be alone, that i could have any man i wanted, but it doesn't feel that way tonight. i have this love/hate thing going on with the isolation; the longer i'm alone, the less i want someone cluttering my life, yet the longer i'm alone, the more i wonder what it would be like, having someone to clutter my life. it's hard to be with someone without compromising little pieces of yourself- your intelligence, your independence, your originality; i'm done forfeiting the best of me for validation, for approval. he used to say that i chose to be alone, that i could have any man i wanted, but it doesn't feel that way tonight. tonight it feels fucking lonely.