05-30-05 - 9:16 p.m.
go figure. in the midst of a busy, beer and bbq three day weekend, my first in years; blessed because of a granddaughter and eventful because of a visit from a daughter i rarely see; the type of holiday that brings out the best in me, those vivacious gemini twins who can turn any small gathering into the social soire of the season, and what inexplicably happens? the loner emerges, the not-so-secret me who'd rather read than socialize, who yawns at inane conversation, the one i haven't seen in years; the one who wants to jump into her car and drive to parts unknown and hide. my kids, the ones i mothered and nutured and praised and took pride in; school functions, finger paintings, good grades, those handmade offerings for mother's day? they're suddenly self-absorbed, flawed embarrassments i'm ashamed to introduce to my friends. worse than that, they're fucking strangers i'd rather not get to know. i'm struggling to understand all this, looking inwardly at signs of past depression, or looking outwardly for new signs; menopause, maybe, or plain old reality; the need for alienation and isolation is a strong family trait. in the background hovers the thought of carey the bike assembler, who, in his noble attempt to spare wendy's feelings, is quickly losing my interest. the momentum of that chemistry is gone, and i'm feeling tonight that if he feebly tried to regain my attention, i'd blow him off. at this moment, i'd like to blow everyone off. being the matriarch, the life force, the dynamic, is suddenly so tiring.