10-01-04 - 9:03 p.m.
surrounded by a nickering mare, two cats, a ferocious chihuahua, a ferret named sid and a new puppy, adopted from a walmart shopping cart, i am lonely tonight; inexplicably, there is an ache somewhere inside me that only the codger can fill, my jimmy, her jimmy. he is the reason i am here; a new town, a new state, stuffing my life to the brim with friends and work and small details too important to ignore; one daughter's swollen belly, another's troubled and sometimes alarming life. an intriguing man, tattooed and timeworn by experience beyond my realm of imagination who waits daily at the timeclock to sing snippets of oldies to me. the current price of baled hay. the price of beer during happy hour at oasis bowl. the price of health insurance. it's all enough, more than anyone could want, but tonight he is broken glass under my skin, a sharp reminder that somewhere above me in the vast and beautiful nevada sky, there is a star named darling j. i wish i had a telescope. i wish i had the dumb nerve to call his number and make small talk. the earthquake. retirement. clocks. life with her. life without me, without the sweet routine of tuesdays in bed, thursdays at the lake. was it real, all that love, all that heartbreak?
i wish i had a telescope.