06-18-04 - 11:21 p.m.
unable to sleep, spooked by his email, i called his cellphone in the middle of the night. leave me alone, i intended to say, let me go, i have no time or tears left for you. but i know this man; he turns his phone off promptly at 4 and sleeps by 9. it was a stupid move on my part; i was drunk and realized too late that he'd now have my number, here in nevada, 9 hours from his touch.
predictably, he called this morning, as nervous as a schoolboy.
i'm struggling, he said. i miss you so much i'm often tempted to drive up and hunt you down.
and leave your wife behind for good? i asked, taunting him, knowing the answer.
i was crying, hearing his voice for the first time in months, but he never knew it. i was strong and hard, focused on all those lonely nights; four years of waiting, my heart on hold. i was also a diplomat, unable to hurt him, so tempted but never mentioning the new man, the new jim.
my eyes were swollen when i signed into my walmart register, and each time i thought of him, my throat constricted and my eyes filled. bastard, selfish bastard, let me go.
at home now, the new jim, the tall, sweet one who dependably ambles through my checkstand each night, is on the answering machine.
sorry i missed you, he says.
me too. me too.