06-13-03 - 8:48 a.m.
"10 common misconceptions about cowboys"
1) instantly dispense with the hollywood stereotype. forget john wayne. forget tom selleck in monte walsh. cowboys come in all shapes and sizes. some wear polo shirts and halston cologne. some, particularly mine, look and sound just like hoyt axton, with a little drew carey dorkiness thrown in for good measure.
2) drop any preconceived notions regarding cowboy intelligence. he was not concocted by laura ingalls wilder, so forget the charming schoolhouse and slate. many cowboys finish high school with honors. some, like mine, have bachelor science degrees in animal genetic engineering. and some, like mine, are card carrying members of mensa.
3) respect his sensitivity. cowboys, even ones "rode hard and put up wet", have feelings. don't laughingly refer to him as pard. or tex. or cowpoke. call him 'boy, and he'll love you forever. and never assume that a man stomped, gored, shot or stabbed in dancehall fights is immune to pain. he'll cry over a hangnail.
4) the most important meal of the day to a real 'boy is every meal. this is a guy who packed vienna sausages and potted meat in his saddlebag, so he's not picky. just don't expect him to eat a day old baguette and brie over the kitchen sink.
5) real 'boys refer to their morning coffee as 'ambition'. making a proper cup of ambition does not involve a braun drip coffeemaker with paper filters or a trip to starbucks. it involves a handful of grounds, a pot of boiling water, and magic.
6) despite their laconic manner, cowboys make charming, witty dinner party guests. just be prepared for mexican cathouse jokes and cowpie tossing tales.
7) once you decide to invite a 'boy into your bed, forget about sleep. this is a man whose idea of heaven is a hammock in a horse trailer, or a bedroll on the range. your antique brass bed and martha stewart high count pima cotton will be lost on him. so is a decent mattress, because a lifetime of badly broken bones and two fractured hips tell tales at 3:00AM.
8) just because a 'boy comes from lopeno, texas and spent 50 years on a 20,000 acre cattle ranch does not mean he listens to clint black or dwight yoakum. my cowboy herded longhorns wearing a walkman, listening to hendrix and iron butterfly.
9) most cowboys love tobacco, but not all 'boys chew. mine smokes like a chimney, but sneers at 'ready rolls', preferring instead to roll his own. the charm of this quaint habit wears off quickly, especially when a nicotine fit hits in the middle of a busy crosswalk.
10) the 8 second rule applies to bucking broncos only, not sex.