05-06-04 - 7:19 p.m.
i dreamed about patrick/jimmy last night; he was sitting on a bench in the distance, perfectly recognizable in a blue plaid shirt, baseball hat and 501's, watching me clean a hotel room. the meaning of this dream is not lost on me; the love of my life has spiritually followed me to nevada, concerned for me like the true friend he is. then, today, an email in which he expressed his concern for my well being and new life. "i will keep checking my email," he wrote, "waiting for your reply."
i do not want to reply. i moved here to escape this man's hold on me, my heart, and i resent his intrusion in my new life. i miss him, his humor, his guidance, his beautiful weathered profile on my pillow, but i do not miss the nights..no, the years of loneliness his love entailed. i'm trying to leave him behind, and until i meet someone else, i'll be alone, but alone on my own terms, not his. i like this feeling of grim determination, this re-invented me, but all it takes it one look at that fucking magical clock with the floating digital display; "darling m, you are loved", and my knees weaken and my pulse quickens like a dumb teenager and i think, 'this is the stuff of movies and cheesy romance novels, this is the love everyone dreams about; so why the hell does it suck?' and here i am again, devoting precious diary space to old soap opera reruns, when i have so much more to reveal; explorations of the silver state between job applications. four amazing lakes in four days, a picnic on the banks of south lake tahoe, the towering snow capped sierras as a backdrop...today; a trip to pyramid lake; twice as big as tahoe but forbidding and desolate; berries, spencer and i picnicked on a rocky, volcanic beach dotted with cowpies. the bucket of blood saloon in virginia city, where, oddly enough, i was first married. a spectacular sunset yesterday, in the middle of nowhere, straight out of a charles remington painting. oh, and the candied apple at a dusty kiwanis carnival in fallon where berries and i competed with squirtguns for a stuffed pink and black cow. berries won.