09-04-03 - 8:48 p.m.
patrick. jimmy. love of my life. beautiful plague of my heart. i am learning to accept what he is able to give and shut down my feelings when he is away. i am learning to focus on my future, my plans. i research the price of homes in nevada on the internet. i contacted a real estate agent. i weeded the flower beds, preparing my humble house for the inevitable 'for sale' sign, for curb appeal. i am designing a silent speech in my head for wine charm guy, the boss, and for the 44 homeowners whose condominium hotel i have guided since it opened, babying it from one building and no pool and empty parking lots to automobile club certification and continuous no vacancy signs, through countless employees, three management companies and a bankruptcy. all of this works; mental methadone to fight my craving for this man. today in my bed, he faced me on the pillow, his lined face weathered and beautiful as aged leather, and his eyes filled and he said; i love you, and if i was still an alcoholic, i would've confessed it to her 20 times by now in drunken, ugly moments.