08-12-03 - 9:03 a.m.
he spent the weekend agonizing over us. he sat through seabiscuit thinking about me, because of my lurid past as a jockey groupie. he confessed to four months of periodic drive-bys of my home and hotel and even the lake, hoping for a glimpse of me. outwardly, he says, he is completely under control, but inwardly, in his heart, he is an emotional wreck. i am perfectly suited for him. i have ruined him for anyone else. he loves me completely.
listening, the past comes rushing back, and suddenly, like a picked scab that's been trying to heal, i'm bleeding, i'm leaking something ugly and poisonous.
i'm not your noble martyr anymore, i blurt into the phone, crying. i love you too, i love what we had, but i
hate
your
fucking
wife.