09-10-02 - 8:32 a.m.
fact; i am firmly entrenched in a rut. there are words to describe this current state of mind, none of them terribly becoming to a gregarious gemini; stale. apathetic. opinionless. lackluster. i keep looking for ways to haul my comatose ass from bed each morning and restore my enthusiasm for life- a new hair color? vitamins? a hobby! building birdhouses? collecting stamps? a beautiful beach is one block away; i could become one of those fanatics in cable knit sweaters, cuffs rolled, shoes in hand, who find crashing waves and clumps of rotting seaweed soothing to the soul. i could invest in canvas gloves and potting soil and learn to garden and finally transform the pathetic patch of sand at the corner of my driveway into a showplace. i could learn french from the box of cassettes patrick gave me. i could finish my novel. i could finish my bathroom. or, in the interest of maturity, i could learn to play with the hand i am dealt.
last night, berries, in her infinite teenage wisdom, said, mom, you're just at an awkward age. don't worry, next year, when you turn fifty, everything will fall into place.
13 was an awkward age. 20, definitely. but 49? and if she's right, if 50 is my defining year, what about the meantime? do i spend the next 10 months learning counted cross-stitch? organizing bake sales for the PTA? battling the tell-tale signs of aging?