07-21-02 - 9:14 p.m.
baby cougar came home today, no bigger than my chloe, bundled like a mummy in his car seat. when i escaped to the tub with a book, his tiny siamese cat cry brought back an onslaught of forgotten memories, some glorious- the smell of a newborn's head, heasley sleeping in a dresser drawer at my parent's, berries nestled on her father's chest, both of them napping- some best forgotten; battered and isolated after heasley's birth, rocking her in front of letterman's wacky morning show, armed with an endless supply of vodka and orange juice and a worn book on baby care. at 26, my biological clock woke me like a fire alarm, but the joy and wonderment of motherhood was lost on me. maybe i'm making up for it now, filling that void each time i indulge berries in her mercurial search for individuality or watch heasley grow and struggle for emotional stability. maybe this is the key behind my aggravating permissiveness, my need to be a buddy to my kids.
my god. what an epiphany. i'd call patrick and announce it, but he's at home with g and it's way past his bedtime. besides, after gravely listening, he'd only tell me to get over it. then, to avoid an argument, he'd try to kiss me, and i'd let him.